Puppy Love. Is It Inevitable?

I didn't love Grimm initially. There. I said it.

Apparently I have a thing for car selfies with my best guys. We have Thor on the right from 2019, and Grimm on the left in 2022.

A couple of quick facts that might give you some extra context before I dive into how frustrating it can be to not immediately love the pet you've just committed to. I've been lucky to have many wonderful dogs in my life, but its important to note that my knowledge of dog training, dog behavior, and just general life experience has changed a lot over the years:

• I got my first heart dog, Thor, in 2008. I was 15 or so.

• I lost Thor January 4, 2020. I was just shy of turning 27.

• After losing Thor we still had his littermate, Tiny, and another German Shepherd, Loki.

• We lost Tiny on September 21, 2021. I was 28.

• I didn't get another dog until Grimm, who came home December 27, 2021. I was a month away from turning 29.

• We lost Loki January 19, 2022. I was a few days shy of turning 29, and Grimm hadn't even been home a month yet.

In this picture you'll see Thor (back left), Tiny (back right), and Loki (front center) in their younger days.

I was incredibly naïve when I brought Grimm home. I remembered how head over heels I was about Thor and Tiny when they first came home, and I assumed I would feel the same way about Grimm. I was ridiculously wrong. I was initially excited and thought Grimm was cute, but there wasn't a huge, life-altering spark. To be honest, I kind of regretted getting him after a while. Which is so hard to say, because he was a really good puppy, so much so that I believed I could just keep bringing puppies home for the next year.

There were a few things working against Grimm from the beginning:

• About a week after bringing him home, I had to go back to work. So we didn't have as much uninterrupted bonding time as I would have liked.

• He wasn't the breed of dog I was used to having, so sometimes he did things that I just didn't really expect or know what to do with.

• About three weeks after bringing Grimm home, Loki got really sick and ultimately died. Part of me blamed Grimm for it.

To be clear, Grimm did absolutely nothing wrong to warrant any of my feelings. But feelings are feelings. They don't need grand explanations, they just exist.

Blaming Grimm For Loki's Death:

By my best guess, Loki had been battling a growth/tumor on his spleen for a long time, maybe years, unbeknownst to us or his vets. Because of his allergies and skin issues, we incorrectly assumed those ailments were the reason for his periods of weight loss and lethargy. Every time we went to the vet for it, they'd give him a shot of prednisone and a Cytopoint injection. He always came out of those appointments feeling better and behaving like his old self. I had no reason to suspect anything else was going on. But I was wrong. I'm not a vet, at all, but I think the steroid and Cytopoint combination helped with the inflammation of the growth and make him more comfortable, which is why we saw so much immediate success with it. Loki did have allergies, so it wasn't like we were chasing something or looking for ways to keep the growth/tumor from growing. We just thought we were treating his allergies. Initially following his death, I blamed the vets too. In hindsight, it's not their fault either. I brought him in for allergies, which they successfully treated and managed. They didn't have a reason to suspect anything else either. It was just a horrible circumstance, and no one did anything wrong.

I was so wrapped up in Grimm and his training and just him being cute, that I didn't notice Loki taking a rapid turn for the worst. When it came time for my dad to make the decision to let Loki pass at the vet, I wasn't there, because someone had to be home with the puppy. I convinced myself that Loki was going to be okay. But I was lying to myself and trying to keep from feeling guilty. I should have gone up to the vet to be with my dad and to say goodbye to Loki, and I have to live with that guilt. It's a horrible memory of mine, and it's one I generally don't talk about because I feel like I failed both my dad, and Loki that night.

When Loki didn't come home, I turned all of those negative feelings towards Grimm. I was never mean to him or mistreated him, but in my head it was his fault. I played out a bunch of "what if" scenarios. If Grimm wasn't there, I would have noticed Loki getting sick and maybe I would have been able to get him to the vet in time. If Grimm hadn't been there, I would have been able to go to the vet's office and ask questions and say goodbye. If Grimm hadn't continually tried to play with Loki, maybe Loki wouldn't have exhausted himself trying to keep Grimm at bay. If I hadn't gotten Grimm, I would have had more money and maybe would have been able to help pay for some crazy treatment to keep Loki alive.

None of those "what ifs" are really true. Grimm didn't make me stay home that night. Grimm didn't make the growth get even bigger. Grimm didn't forcibly steal my money. But it was so much easier to blame that tiny little puppy than to look in the mirror and take responsibility for my own feelings.

I just felt so guilty. I got Grimm so I could have my own dog again, so I'd feel complete. I'd been so jealous of my dad and Loki, because I didn't have my dog any more. And I felt like because I brought Grimm home, I stole that from my dad. None of it was true, none of it was logical, but it stuck around for a while. To the point where I considered the idea that I might need to find a new home for Grimm. Grief is a strange thing, and it plays tricks on you.

Comparing The Dog You Have, To The One You Lost:

I, obviously, didn't rehome Grimm. I kept working with him and trying to connect with him, but it just wasn't the same. I'd gone into the whole relationship with this idea that it would be just like having Thor again. I'd made up the rules to the game, but I never gave Grimm his copy of the rulebook. I was really worried that this dog that was supposed to make me feel whole again and give me back that "Dog Mom" title I'd lost when Thor died, was going to make me not like dogs at all any more.

Grimm was a typical Australian Shepherd puppy. He was adorable, silly, loud, full of energy, and one bitey little dog. He drew blood more times than I could count, and saying "no" or "ouch" did nothing to stop him. It was almost like the more I said no, the more he did it and the harder he would nip and bite at me. For a hot minute there, I kind of hated Grimm. I'd forgotten about teething, because I hadn't had a puppy in the better part of 14 years. I just remembered all of the warm and fuzzy feelings from having Thor and Tiny: the cute romps in the backyard, teaching them to sit and lay down, snuggling in bed with Thor most nights.

I still remember that when we brought them home, we put in them in a large tote so they couldn't run around and cause mayhem (we didn't have a crate, it was a whole thing, I know better now because I'm not 14 anymore). I spent their first night sleeping on the floor next to the tote to keep an eye on them. And I remember one of them climbing out of the tote and falling on my face. I just thought they were the best thing in the whole world.

I don't remember the shitty parts of Tiny and Thor, because in the long run, those aren't the important parts of most dog-human relationships. But with bitey baby Grimm, the shitty parts were all I could really focus on. He was biting me and my clothes, stealing anything he could get his little mouth on, chewing cords and wires, and really just causing an absolute ruckus every day. He'd come flying onto the couch looking super sweet, and then he'd turn into this horrible little velociraptor. I didn't like this bitey little creature, and a big part of it was the fact that I just wasn't prepared. I didn't do enough research, I didn't talk to enough people, I didn't think about what behaviors I would need to manage with a baby dog in the house.

I just wanted Grimm to be like Thor. I wanted him to be snuggly and think I was the absolute best thing in the whole world. I wanted him to be able to walk outside with me off leash to take the trash cans to the curb or check the mail. I wanted him to stay in bed with me all night without waking me up a bunch of times because he was bored. I wanted him to want nothing more than to please me. The reality of it is: Grimm isn't Thor, and it's okay.

Grimm is smart, sassy, cute as hell, loyal, playful, weird, and a bizarre combination of both fiercely independent and co-dependent (not sure how it works, but it does). Grimm has always wanted to please me, but he doesn't always know how. I was constantly comparing him to a dog who had been my best friend for over a decade, and Grimm didn't stand a chance, he'd only known me for a couple of week or months. Grimm wants to be in my space, but on his own terms. He's started a new thing lately where on weekend mornings he wakes me up by jumping into bed and either draping himself across my back, or becoming a wiggly little spoon precariously perched on the edge of the bed. I could spend hours laying with him like that, but for him, five to ten minutes is about enough.

But if you told me those first couple of months that I was going to fall in love with him, I'm not sure I would have believed you.

When I Fell In Love With Grimm:

I can't say I remember the exact instant I looked at Grimm and was like, "yep, I love you," but I do know it was during Spring Break, so March of 2022. I had a week where all I had to do was play around and explore with him. That week was the best time to really get to know the puppy I had in front of me. I had to dig through my Google Photos to remember what we did together that was so awesome, but we just had a really great week together, and it was exactly what we needed.

We went to the dog park for the first time, and he was fantastic. I remember being really happy with how well he played with other dogs, and how happy he was to engage with the other people there. I also remember being annoyed that he wouldn't come when called, but he was like 5 months old and we hadn't trained for it, so I'm not sure what I was expecting. Grimm was an instant hit at the dog park. All of the regulars really liked him, with the exception of a particularly grouchy old man Irish Setter named Barkley, and it was really great to talk to people who had a variety of breeds and just lots of other dog experience. I consider myself pretty intelligent, and I'm a huge dog nerd compared to the average person, but before Grimm the only dogs I knew were German Shepherds, and each breed of dog really is unique. I think we ended up going to the dog park almost every day of spring break, and at one point I started bringing a camera along to capture the craziness.

We went to the beach and that's how I learned that Grimm is definitely a water dog. The first time we met up with a friend of mine and her dog, Ambrose. We went to lunch with the dogs, so Grimm got to have his first patio pup experience. He was pretty good, and writing about it now, I'm not sure why I don't do it with him more often. After lunch we went to the dog beach, which is totally off leash and surrounded by thick mangroves which generally help keep the dogs in the right areas. I was too nervous to let Grimm be completely off leash, so he got to drag a 15ft leash behind him everywhere he went. He had a fabulous time chasing all of the other dogs (and their toys) and learning the best way to swim. He tried to climb into someone's kayak as they swam by, and ended the adventure by rolling in the sand... a lot. I went home that day with a very tired, very dirty, very fulfilled puppy.

The next beach adventure was with my sister and my nephew, and we ended up taking Grimm to a dog friendly people centric beach. It was different the second time around because he was afraid of the waves, but it ended up working out okay. He'd let me carry him into the water every now and then to cool off, and then he'd swim back to shore. He wasn't really phased by the other people or dogs, just excited about them. We took a long walk down the beach and just enjoyed hanging out and sharing a fruit plate together.

The reason I took you on the walk down memory lane is to show that Grimm was a fabulous puppy, truly just a marvelous little boy. I didn't know that until I saw how I could trust him out in public, and it showed me a lot about both of us. Grimm is a confident dog who is really social, which is something I hadn't experienced before. Seeing Grimm blossom in public, social situations made me pretty fond of him. I started to realize I had my "go anywhere" dog, something I didn't even know I'd been wanting.

I remember one of my friends asking me after spring break how things were going with Grimm, and I looked at her and told her, "I think I finally love him." And it seems like every day since, I love him more and more. It also turns out that she absolutely adores him too, and he likes her so much he excited pees every time her sees her, and ONLY for her.

What Our Followers Had To Say:

If you're following us on Instagram you might have seen some polls in our stories this week about puppy love at first sight. I was really happy to see that the results of those polls weren't what I expected. I had always thought I was in the minority, that something was wrong with me because I hadn't loved Grimm right away, and it turns out, I'm not alone. So, if you're struggling to connect with the dog in front of you, it's okay. It may change and one day you'll just suddenly love him or her. It may never change, and that's okay too. I don't believe that loving your dog is a prerequisite for being a great dog owner. I was great with Grimm before I loved him. He's always been spoiled rotten, well taken care of, and had all of his needs met, and that would have stayed the same even if I'd never fallen for him.

Survey Says...

These percentages are based on those who participated in our story polls, and may not represent the entire community, but I still think the ideas ring true.

• 80% have had a heart/soul dog

• 20% weren't sure what a heart/soul dog was

• 50% have lost their heart/soul dog

• 57% have experience with not immediately loving their dog

• 100% of those who did not immediately love their dog said that time is what eventually made them fall in love

• 88% of those who struggled to love their dog felt that they were the problem or it was their fault

So, I think it's important to define what a heart/soul dog is. I use the two terms interchangeably, because I don't feel that there's a difference. Some people feel differently, but here's how I define it: a heart/soul dog is a dog that you have a unique connection with, like a doggy soulmate. They fundamentally change you or your life, and you'll always be different after having known them.

Losing any pet is hard, probably one of the hardest things anyone ever goes through. But losing your heart dog, it's a whole other kind of grief. Thor had my heart, he was my not-so-little soulmate, and losing him was the greatest pain I've ever known. I wasn't sure who I would be any more. It's like I'd been Thor's mom for so long, that not having him meant I wasn't the same person. I didn't know what it was like to function in my day-to-day life without him. He'd had some pretty hefty needs in his last couple of years with his mobility issues, so it was really weird not to need extra time in the morning to move him around and get him ready for the day. It was just a gut-wrenching experience to lose so much, and it seems strange to think that some people say, "he was just a dog."

I honestly never thought I'd have that kind of connection again, like, I thoroughly contemplated never owning another animal for the rest of my life. So imagine how surprised I was to find not just one incredible connection, but two. We didn't talk about Reaper today, because I loved Reaper instantly and he can have his own post all about it. But I never dreamed I would have two distinctly different dogs at the same time who truly completed me. They're the yins to my yang, the zigs to my zag, and I'm a better person having had Grimm and Reaper come into my life. I believe that one dog wouldn't have ever been enough to make up for losing Thor, and to be clear, having these two doesn't change that I miss Thor every day, but I believe Thor sent me both these goofballs. I'm not sure yet if I think Grimm and/or Reaper alone is a heart or soul dog, but I think the two of them combined give me that feeling.

The harsh reality is that not every dog is going to be that heart or soul dog you're looking for, because those connections are rare. It's kind of crazy to me that we think we have to love a dog from the moment they enter our homes. If we look at it from perspective of the whole soulmates idea, it makes absolutely no sense that we expect a life-altering relationship to just happen in the span of 30 seconds. We spend years, sometimes decades, or a lifetime even, to find our true love, and we take great care to cultivate that relationship. But give that soulmate fur, slobbery kisses, and four paws, and we expect it to happen in the blink of an eye.

So, the next time you're questioning your connection with your dog, remember that it's supposed to be fun and an adventure in its own right. Take your time and enjoy it, because as the saying goes, "Dogs might be in just a small part of our lives, but to them, we are their whole lives."

Thanks for reading this tail, and here's to many more!

Danielle